“Having the guts to love oneself even when we run the risk of disappointing others is what it means to have the courage to set boundaries.” Brené Brown

It can be challenging to manage boundaries, particularly if you have never been taught how to set and uphold them. While some people can naturally set boundaries, others require assistance and support. If you are a people-pleaser or have a sensitive and excessively compassionate disposition, you probably have trouble setting limits. You are driven by this disposition to make others happy, but you risk neglecting your own needs in the process. Healthy limits must be established in order to create a life that supports an ultimate sense of contentment and harmony. Boundaries not only show people how to respect your limits but also act as a set of rules for you to follow as you go through life and take care of yourself. Here are a few typical occurrences that result in habitually unsuccessful boundary formation.

CHILDHOOD

The environment you are raised in during your formative years determines the norms and standards you set for yourself and those around you when you are an adult. How you create limits is greatly influenced by your parenting practices and the caliber of your relationships. You probably have strict limits and relentlessly demand unachievable perfection from both yourself and people around you if you had controlling parents as children. This causes you to repeatedly discredit other people’s viewpoints in an effort to satisfy your own needs or convince others that they are constantly lacking. You might believe that it is your duty to make sure others are okay, despite the discomfort you feel, if you had parents who emptied their emotional wounds and negative feelings on your impressionable and developing brain. Children cannot and should not carry the responsibilities of maturity. Being compelled to do so hinders your ability to develop normally and may affect your ability to have good relationships unless you learn how to do so.

SIBLINGS

Believe it or not, your personality development is influenced by your birth order. Perhaps because you were the baby in your family, you could do as you pleased. This results in going too far and expecting people to fulfill your needs despite the negative effects on their lives. Perhaps you were the eldest sibling and your parents expected you to look after your younger siblings. If so, you are probably the protector of others and don’t care if you are taken care of in the process. Middle children are infamous for having identity crises and interpersonal difficulties. You learn as a child that neither being the youngest nor being the oldest will provide you the respect you seek. You might become mediocre as a result, unsure of what you want out of life. Perhaps you were an only child and had constant contact only with adults. Due to your inability to communicate or seek emotional interaction with others your own age, you may become socially awkward and develop impenetrable barriers that are difficult for others to break down.

PLEASING OF OTHERS AND CONFLICT AVOIDANCE

Some people dislike conflict, and they will go to any lengths to avoid it. This forces you to yield to the will of others even when it conflicts with your values. People who have a tendency to be people-pleasers will go to any lengths to maintain harmony. This quality is a result of unhelpful communication techniques and certain personality traits. You are not alone if you find it difficult to communicate your views or feelings because you are worried about what other people will think. It is crucial to understand that even though the truth hurts, it must still be told to others. Discover your voice and have the guts to speak up. People who disagree with this are not welcome in your life.

TRAUMA

If you were subjected to abuse or trauma as a child, you probably feel unworthy of importance or feeling anything at all. You may believe that setting boundaries will cause you to be hated or rejected, therefore you may choose to put up with others’ poor behavior in order to escape being by yourself. Some people search for the things they didn’t have as children and fail to establish good boundaries to safeguard themselves. Did you have abandoned parents or did you miss one parent as a child? This causes maladaptive behaviors in adulthood defined by looking for relationships that, even if they are damaging, subtly or intentionally replicate those you lacked as a child. As an adult, this could lead you to seek out toxic relationships or embrace a false notion of love. Some people think they are unlovable or think they must sacrifice their values in order for others to stay with them. This kind of relational deficit is defined by a lack of self-advocacy or a willingness to defend your principles or ideas. You think that following the majority is simpler, and this motivates you to be less authentic. After all, it’s preferable to be attached negatively than to be alone, isn’t it?

NARCISTIC VIOLENCE

Being in an abusive romantic relationship or being married to a covert narcissist lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel unworthy of having boundaries. You start ignoring your requirements and your own needs. It’s possible that you start to deceive yourself and concentrate all of your efforts on making your partner happy since at least then you’ll be viewed as a deserving person. Your brain develops dysfunctional neural networks as a result of emotional and mental abuse, which make you tolerate bad treatment. It starts out mildly and builds up to the point where you are unable to distinguish between their feelings and perceptions and your own. You might go out of your way to make other people happy, but when you become overburdened or believe that nothing is ever good enough, you become resentful.

NEXT ACTIONS

Although they are a necessary part of life, boundaries can be challenging to uphold. Perhaps you feel guilty when you refuse because you don’t want to hurt other people. This is a typical reaction, but it’s not a good one. Boundaries keep you safe and make sure that no one can push you over your boundaries. Sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? In my professional experience, most people have a very difficult time establishing good boundaries. You can get assistance from New Vision Counseling and Consulting in creating and upholding appropriate limits. We can help you find your authentic self and then develop the good habits and limits that will help you live a successful and balanced life. Are you prepared to advance on your path to recovery? If so, please contact us at (405) 921-7776.